we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think i peed on brittanys purse
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
