well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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