I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
