We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
