Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
