Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
