I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
