does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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