I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
