The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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