Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
