I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
