Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
