thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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