I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
