Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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