If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
