Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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