I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
