Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
