I accidentally burped into my bong.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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