I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
