I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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