Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My balls are so social today.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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