Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
