why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
