I think i peed on brittanys purse
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
