Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I fill condoms, not promises.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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