i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
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get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
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Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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