This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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