My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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