don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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