I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
