Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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