Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
