My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
