fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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