i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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