I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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