Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
