And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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