I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
