the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
