I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
