so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
