I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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