if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
