My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
