how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
