my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This is the high leading the old right now
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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