theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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