bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
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At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
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They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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