I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
