when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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