I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
