He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
